Confession
by Selenite1
Summary: Touga muses over his repressed feelings for Saionji. Updated, Please r+r.
1. Default Chapter

These characters are not and I'm not making any money off this. We've all read the nicely written S/T fics where Saionji represses some lust for Touga. So I thought I'd write something a little different.  
  
  
  
Confession  
  
By Selenite  
  
I've known for quite some time that if you feel too strongly about anything it will rule you, eventually betray you. If you want to succeed, you must be the master of yourself and everyone around you.  
  
That's why I despise you. I can control you just as easily as anyone, Kyouichi. Truthfully, even more so than other people, for you are so easy to manipulate, so easy to sway. You emotions allow this to happen. You know better, Kyouichi. You always know what's happening and yet you still willfully walk into the trap time and time again. You cannot control your anger, your passion, or your pride. If you just had a sliver of control, I would see you as an equal. You would be formidable. No one could sway you because your instincts wouldn't allow it.  
  
Yet, in spite of all your faults, your rashness, your passion, your emotions, you are the better man. I can control you but I cannot control what you do to my heart. I've known you for so long. I know what you were like before the girl in the coffin. When I met you, we were both seven years old. Even then, I noticed how pretty you were. You were pale like me and your hair was wavy as much as mine was straight. I wanted to touch it and feel how silky it was and then look into your eyes. What was even better was that you had something that I couldn't name at first, something that made your mouth soft and your eyes shine. It made you looks so sweet, complimenting your already ethereal beauty, enhancing it.  
  
We became best friends. How could we not? We complimented each other. We belonged to each other. Not you to me but to each other. But I wanted you to belong to me even then. I was terrified of anyone controlling me and that was before I learned control my emotions.  
  
Then I realized what was increasing your beauty and that it was something that I didn't have. You had innocence. It made you purer than I was, more.princely. And you didn't even realize it. I don't think you remember it even now. If I hadn't lost my family and then gained another when I was old enough to remember it, I might have been just as princely as you were. It was your purity that let your creep into my hart.  
  
But I knew that if I could ever hope to have you as my own, I would have to dominate you. If I didn't, you would have too strong hold on my heart, you would overtake me. And so I bested you at everything I could, even the things hat mattered the most you like Kendo. I wanted to show you who was the strong one in our relationship. I even tried (and still try) to be the prince that you were even though I couldn't get it quite right; no matter how many girls I told I was chivalrous.  
  
As we grew older, I began to resent your innocence, that very thing which initially endeared you to me. I was the better man at everything we did and yet you still had that power ever me. But then something happened. You began to resent me. Me, for beating you at everything while you were the one who didn't want to leave that girl in her coffin. What could have possibly accounted for this change in our situation?  
  
When this dance of conflict began, you stopped being so princely and your innocence slowly crumbled. I should feel that I've won. But I remember Kyouichi, I remember your sweetness and I still want you. And I hate it. You always make me weak. Your spell is as poisonious as anything Akio or your precious Anshii could weave. And to top it all off, you actually accuse me of never loving anyone.  
  
But there is Utena. She's just as you once were. But unlike you, I think I could have her. All I have to do is undermine her a bit and she'll be mine. I'll break your spell; I'll be free of you. Then Kyouichi, I will finally have control. I will be the better man. And you will never know that it wasn't always that way. 


	2. Confession Part Two

I don't own these characters and I'm not making one red cent off this. I thought that this story would simply be a one shot but one review managed to convince me otherwise. I don't think that there will be another installment.  
  
Confession Part Two By Selenite  
  
He took you. He took you right in front of me just as he did her. After all the things I've done to hurt you, to destroy your innocence over the years, I don't think I will ever recover from what he did to you. No, he did it to both of us.  
  
The game was closing, the duels were ending. But I still had one final duel against Utena. After all my attempts to make her into a normal, conquerable girl and one night of unmasked vulnerability, I lost her. The End of the World took her from me. At that very same time, we became close again. You were still sullen and angry and I was still thinking of her and revolution and yet..we were together. Were we really recapturing some of the bond of our long ago? Truthfully, I only came back to you because he said it was alright. It was supposed to be just part of the game. "It's alright isn't it? Be nice to your friend." I had laughed and something about him being evil. I should have realized that he had something planned. His games were always far beyond mine.  
  
You received me with distrust and resentfulness. This intrigued me since you weren't nearly so resentful about losing to Utena for the third time. Just days later you were merrily camping your heart out in the forest. It actually hurt me a bit that you didn't welcome me with open arms. That it hurt me was also infuriating. I was there out of no concern for your well being, intending to use you yet again and you still could this to me.  
  
You asked me questions about Akio and Anshii, not really expecting any truthful answers. But I gave you the truth. Why shouldn't I? You already knew the truth, the End of the World. What was to be gained by keeping you in the dark? Yet, you received each answer with a shrug signifying that you didn't believe me. This wounded me even more. Then you asked the most difficult questions, the ones about me. You wanted to know how long I've been serving the End of the World (funny, I didn't think of it that way at the time), what I planned to do with Utena, and what did I really want from the duels. My throat caught. How on earth could I tell you that I really didn't know anymore? I was certain of this much: I wanted you for myself or to be at least free of your power, that damned spell that your innocence cast so long ago. I wanted Utena because she reminded me of you when we were so young together. That much I was sure of. But I would have rather died than tell you that, to let you know the kind of hold you had on me. You simply accepted my silence.  
  
Looking back, I wish I had taken you right then before he did. But it's too late now, isn't it? I also wish that I asked you a few things. Was your "something eternal" what I insinuated in the car? Did it truly have anything to do with me? Why were you calmer than I've seen you in a long time? And why did you ever hit Anshii? You never hit anyone like that before the duels. Was this calmness simply a return to your former self? Yes, I wish that I had asked you. But I was afraid of the answers that you would give me. That night didn't turn out at all like I thought it would.  
  
My world, my self-concept was crumbling. I had severely damaged my relationship with my sister. Utena was falling a little more under his spell every day. And it was becoming alarmingly apparent that I was no equal to the End of the World. I was merely another pawn. I began to cling to you although I didn't want it to look that way. I was desperate for something constant and dependable. You were always that to me. I think you needed something to cling to as well in spite of your apparent calmness. We were there for each other, almost like it used to be.  
  
The End of the World and I had a little competition: who would be able to charm Utena. There was no hope for me. She was integral to his plans and whatever chance I had died when she first defeated me. But that was slowly becoming unimportant. At first I only wanted her for my own selfish reasons. But owning her no longer mattered. What mattered was getting her out of his grasp even if that meant dueling again. Did this mean that I loved her? I still don't know in spite of the answer I gave you. In order to save her, to be a just be a prince for once, I needed your help. I always need you. I always will and I wish I knew that before.  
  
As always, you knew what was going on. This time however you didn't bury it under denial You demanded a final answer on my feelings for Utena. You even asked if I was truly happy serving Akio or "kissing his ass so much" as you so delicately put it. But in the end, you acquiesced to me and I suppose that's what truly mattered. You agreed to be my rose bride.  
  
We lost the duel. It was another thing that I should have known. I should have listened to your warnings, Kypoucichi. You were always so wise when you weren't in denial. But I still couldn't save her.  
  
You asked me something, "Is it over.for us". What did you mean by that? Did you even know or could it have been what I once hoped for? Was there really a chance for you to belong to me after all? That day as we lay on our backs in the arena, an idea formed. I would never own Utena. That I would have to accept, painful as it was. She couldn't save me from you and I couldn't save her from the End the World. But perhaps there was hope of owning you.  
  
We recieved our farewell letters. But the End of the World wanted to see the both of us for talk. And pictures. I knew perfectly well what taking pictures with Akio meant. I had an opportunity. That night I could hide my need for you behind one last manipulation. But this time would be special. I would make you mine in one very unmistakable, important way. After the pictures were taken, my seduction began. You shirt was undone. Your mouth was parted and soft, just like it was when I first met you. Your body was under me, silent and accepting. Perhaps it was only the bike ride earlier that allowed this but your acceptance thrilled me.  
  
But before I could plant one kiss on your lips, he pulled me away from you smirking. He took you away form me right there before my very eyes. And you accepted it just as you were about to accept me! How could I have known that robbing me of Utena wouldn't be enough for him? He had to rob me of you as well. He must have planned it right from when he told me that it would be alright. To actually shove it in my face, the taking of the one I truly wanted. For so long I've wanted to be free of you. Before I just wanted you, my little pure-hearted prince.  
  
Kyouichi, I don't know if I can survive this. I know now that I've loved you since we were children. I could never be happy without you even if there was Utena. And I accept it. Is this what your mystifying calmness was, acceptance? What are we going to do? Your innocence is gone. I'm afraid of opening myself up to you. Can we work together, Kyouichi? Perhaps we could recover your innocence and even mine since from before my parents died (if I ever had t). Or maybe we don't need innocence anymore. Perhaps maturity will work for us just as well. I swear that I won't hurt you. I don't have the heart or the strength for that anymore. Maybe we'll be alright together. Finally with you, I may have the revolution that I've always wanted. 


	3. Confession Part Three

Alright, this fic needs to be wrapped up. In this part, Touga gets to do something he wanted to in the second part and something he was to afraid to before. I hope you've all enjoyed this story. These characters are not mine and I'm not making one red cent off of this.  
  
Confession part three by Selenite  
  
Your skin is satin and moonlight pale underneath my fingertips, dewy with perspiration. Gentle, sleeping breaths make your chest rise and fall as you lay in my arms. My Kyouichi, we belong to each other now. True, we did belong to each other long ago but we were merely children then. We were less than brothers and something more than friends. But we are not children anymore, now we are lovers.  
  
I used to believe that this wasn't possible. I put so much effort into trying to prove myself better than you, that I had no real need for you or anyone. What a waste. So much time was spent somehow trying to escape my feelings, my own humanity. Sometimes, I wonder if this could have happened for us earlier if I wasn't so foolish. Or perhaps we both needed to mature before we could finally come to this. You aren't as unhappy as you used to be. Your crippling anger is gone. That scowl that once marred your lovely face has faded. It wasn't only I who needed to grow, you needed time to heal and realize yourself as well. We are so much better for it. For now, we can be together.  
  
I feel your body stirring ever so slightly. I don't want to wake you. It is pleasurable for me to study you when you're asleep like this. Sometimes I glory over each part of your body as if I've never truly looked at it before. Forest waves of green fall over my shoulder, slender white hands slightly calloused by the sword, one rests on my other shoulder, its twin lays on my stomach. Kyouichi, you are flawless to me. Am I that to you as well? I think so. I see the way you look at me, the comfort you take in our time together. And the way we make love! You're so very hot and passionate, so eager and yet graceful in your moves. If we did what we do now before, it would have been marred by competition. We wouldn't have been making love, it would have been another battle in the form of fucking.  
  
It wasn't like that at all when we first did this. Our first time was so fulfilling, so sweet and healing. And it was in the same night that I finally told you the truth, how I really feel about you. I must confess, Kyouichi, I was terrified. I had observed the change in your demeanor and my heart ached from the loss of Utena and longing for you. I was tired of the life that I led and of merely pining for and hating you at the same time. But I also wanted to tell you where she and Anshii were now since you were so worried. What struck me was that you were merely concerned for Anshii's welfare, not wanting to possess her again and was worried about Utena as well. That and you were calmer now, gentler, and more willing to let your instinctive wisdom shine through. I had to tell about them and myself. But what guarantee did I have that you wouldn't be horrified of me? This wasn't some petty trick, some skillful manipulation, I was confessing my love! I got you to come to my room to hear what Anshii had told me before she disappeared. Utena wasn't dead, she was merely gone and safe from the End of the World. And that she was going away from him to find her. The look on your face showed that you were relieved and happy for Anshii and Utena.  
  
But I still had one more thing to tell you. I don't know how I did it, how I formed the words in my mind and pushed them off of my tongue. But somehow I did. After so many years, I finally told you how I feel. And you accepted it. Do you honestly have any idea of what you've done for me that night?  
  
What you've done is lift a burden, mend a heart and a friendship, and helped it grow into something better. I'm at peace now and I haven't felt this way in a long time. Trying to manipulate Utena into something she wasn't hasn't done this, finally finding the courage and admitting my own humanity has. You've given me so much. I can tell that I've done the same for you.  
  
I feel your body move again. Your lashes part, your violet eyes are opened. You begin to sleepily look at me. And you smile. I cannot help but smile back and hold you tighter. A slow kiss and half-sighs; the pain of the past is behind us. The future looks so good with you Kyouichi. We are whole, sound, and together, ready for the world. I cannot wait to begin exploring it with you. 


End file.
